July 6, 2005 - There comes a time in every person’s life when he or she questions his own sanity in relation to the masses. This may be a very subtle self-exercise but it does happen. Case in point: Pauly Shore makes a movie that grosses over ten bucks. This will undoubtedly make you stop (quite literally) and wonder: “Is Pauly Shore REALLY a comedic genius and I just don’t get it?” And while that may be an extreme case, there are more subtle signs in everyday life. For example; I cannot fathom the rise in popularity of reality shows. Try as I may, the thought of making celebrities out of idiots does not appeal to me. And speaking of bleeping idiots; how Dr. Phil has not only managed to write bestselling books, stay on the air, do lecture tours and force his nonsensical, self-satisfyingly belligerent bleeping opinions on the masses for so long escapes the boundaries of my logical reasoning. But the reality of it is: Pauly Shore is a millionaire, reality TV is still alive and well and Dr. Phil’s opinion seems to matter to millions. So am I crazy or what? How can an overwhelming majority be wrong? We elect the guy with the most votes right? Well, Conker: Live & Reloaded puts me in the same dilemma. I hear everyone go on and on about this game; the brilliance of its single player campaign, its new and innovative multiplayer modes, its colorful use of colloquial speech and adult situations and you know what? I don’t bleeping get it! And I wonder if we are even playing the same game sometime…

When the original Conker’s Bar Fur Day (BFD) was released for the Nintendo 64 everyone loved it and proclaimed it the New Apple Pie. I too was one of the many who had a copy pre-ordered (I still have the whoopee cushion in a drawer somewhere) because like many, I thought that Rare could do no wrong. My favorite shooter was Rare’s Goldeneye (followed closely by Rare’s Perfect Dark) and my favorite platformer was Rare’s own Banjo-Kazooie. But Bad Fur Day was a monumental letdown for me. It underwhelmed me so much because it seemed to actually take a few steps back from Banjo-Kazooie. And now, 4 years later, Microsoft releases an updated version of Conker: Live & Reloaded, a game that for all intents and purposes is really 2 games; the original BFD and a new multiplayer game. And so, I will try to be as objective as possible as I walk you through this latest installment, but just remember the tiny little voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering: Is Pauly Shore really a comedic genius and I just don’t get it? Oh, Bleep No!

The single player campaign of Conker: Live & Reloaded follows Conker (a squirrel no less which is intended to make “everything” funny from this point on) and his misadventures with the world’s worst hangover. This sets the tone for the rest of the game: Potty Humor. Conker relies heavily on vulgarity to get by when it just fails to lack in originality. If you take out everything that is sophomoric and “suppose” to be funny in the game, you are left with a head-scratchingly-bad bleeping platformer. For one, the controls (which weren’t that great on the N64 either) are terrible and seem to even have a slight delay to them when attacking and jumping. Add to that the complete inability to lock-on to enemies (à la Zelda) and you are left with a game that is more frustrating than it should be. Did I also mention that the game never gives you a clear indication of what you’re doing, what’s going on or what you have to do? In fact, you will enter areas, try to accomplish all its goals, leave it and wonder what you’ve even accomplished. Well, there are probably a lot of things to collect at least, right? Uh, no. A few fur tails here and there to get extra lives, some abrasive wads of money (which look an awful lot like Ed The Sock) and some chocolate squares for extra health. That’s it. Un-bleeping-believable.